The Biggest Mistake Moms Make in Negotiations W/ Their Ex

Several years ago, I represented a woman in a post-decree custody matter that taught me one of the most important lessons I've ever learned about negotiation.

She and her ex had divorced on their own without attorneys. Not long after the divorce was finalized, things started falling apart.

He had stopped reimbursing her for childcare expenses. He wasn't transporting the children to their activities. He had failed to comply with multiple provisions of their court order. At one point, he had even lost his housing and was exercising parenting time while living in an RV with his girlfriend and her children. There were legitimate concerns about whether the arrangement was appropriate for the kids.

After months of trying to make things work on her own, she hired me. We filed a motion asking the court to address the parenting schedule, enforce the existing order, require him to reimburse expenses he clearly owed, and award attorney's fees because she should never have had to bring the motion in the first place.

We spent a significant amount of time preparing. We gathered the facts. We organized the numbers. We developed proposals that were thoughtful, supported by the evidence, and designed to solve the problems she had been living with.

Then the negotiations started.

Her ex rejected the proposal.

He didn't explain why.

He didn't offer a counterproposal.

He simply said no.

Almost immediately, my client wanted to change our offer.

First, she wanted to drop her request for attorney's fees.

Then she wanted to reduce the amount of reimbursement she was asking for because, after all, he had recently paid one of the children's cell phone bills.

Then she wanted to soften her parenting proposal.

Nothing had changed.

The facts hadn't changed.

The children's needs hadn't changed.

The law hadn't changed.

The only thing that had changed was that someone had rejected her proposal.

I remember having the same conversation with her over and over again. I kept reminding her that simply because someone refuses your proposal doesn't mean your proposal is unreasonable. It doesn't even mean the proposal won't eventually become part of a settlement. It simply means the negotiation has begun, and you’re not always going to get everything you ask for the first time.

Unfortunately, this wasn't just something my client was doing. It is one of the most common negotiation mistakes I see women make.

They begin negotiating against themselves before the other side has actually negotiated at all.

Why Women Negotiate Against Themselves

I've never believed women negotiate against themselves because they're weak.

In fact, I think the opposite is true.

Most of the women I work with have spent years trying to keep their families together, protect their children, and reduce conflict wherever they can. They have become incredibly skilled at reading other people's emotions, anticipating reactions, and adjusting their own behavior to prevent situations from escalating.

Those skills may have helped them survive an unhealthy relationship.

They do not serve them well in a negotiation.

When you've spent years believing that conflict is something to avoid, it's easy to interpret disagreement as evidence that you've asked for too much. Someone says "no," and your instinct isn't to become curious. Your instinct is to become smaller.

You start wondering whether you're being unreasonable. You begin looking for ways to make your proposal easier for the other person to accept. You convince yourself that if you just give up one more thing, maybe the conflict will finally end.

The problem is that negotiation doesn't work that way.

A proposal isn't unreasonable simply because someone rejects it. In many cases, the first response in a negotiation is "no." That isn't necessarily a final answer. It's simply the beginning of a conversation.

When women immediately start reducing their own requests before requiring the other side to explain their position or make a counteroffer, they're not negotiating for clear outcomes.

They're negotiating against themselves.

Why It's Such an Expensive Mistake

Negotiating against yourself doesn't just cost you money. It changes the entire dynamic of the negotiation.

Every time you respond to a rejection by immediately making your proposal smaller, you're teaching the other person that they don't have to participate in the negotiation. They don't have to explain why they disagree. They don't have to justify their position. They don't even have to make a counteroffer.

They simply have to say no.

If every "no" is followed by another concession from you, you've unintentionally taught them that refusing to engage is an effective negotiation strategy.

What’s even worse is you’ve taught them how to treat you as you go forth into your co-parenting relationship that will last several years. 

I've seen women give up attorney's fees they were entitled to recover. I've seen them reduce reimbursement claims that were fully supported by documentation. I've seen them abandon parenting provisions they believed were important for their children simply because they became uncomfortable when the other side pushed back.

None of those decisions were based on new evidence.

None of them were based on a better solution.

They were based on discomfort.

That's an expensive way to negotiate.

The irony is that many women believe they're being cooperative when they do this. They tell themselves they're compromising, taking the high road, or proving they're willing to work together.

But compromise requires movement from both people.

If only one person is moving, that isn't compromise.

It's surrender.

What to Do Instead

One of the simplest negotiation principles I teach is this: don't make the other person's counteroffer for them.

If you've made a proposal that you believe is fair, supported by the facts, and consistent with your goals, let it breathe.

If the other side rejects it, ask why.

Ask what they would propose instead.

Require them to participate in the negotiation instead of assuming it's your responsibility to keep moving the conversation forward.

It's also important to become comfortable with silence.

Many people experience silence in mediation as pressure. They assume that if the other side hasn't immediately accepted their proposal, they need to soften it or explain it or improve it somehow.

That's rarely true.

Sometimes people simply need time to think. Sometimes they're discussing the proposal with their attorney. Sometimes they're deciding what matters most to them.

Silence is part of negotiation. It isn't a signal that you've done something wrong.

Finally, if you decide to make a concession, make sure it's intentional.

Don't give something away simply because you're uncomfortable.

Give something away because you've decided it's worth exchanging for something that matters more.

Good negotiators don't compromise because they're pressured.

They compromise because they've made a strategic decision that the exchange improves the overall outcome.

That is a very different mindset.

And the best negotiators now that sometimes their most powerful leverage is the willingness to walk away if the negotiation stalls. 

These are also some of the biggest reasons preparation matters so much before you enter into any sort of negotiation venue, especially like a mediation. When you've already thought through your priorities, identified what you're willing to negotiate, and understand your alternatives if you don't reach an agreement, you're far less likely to make fear-based decisions in the moment.

This is one of the core concepts I teach inside the Mediation Prep Course because it's a mistake that's incredibly common and surprisingly difficult to recognize while you're living it.

If you're preparing for mediation and want to walk into the room with a clear strategy instead of simply hoping things work out, I'd love to have you inside.

The goal isn't to become a more aggressive negotiator.

The goal is to become a more intentional one.

See you soon,

Taylor

Ps. If you snag the Mediation Prep Course from this newsletter before July 1, 2026 you can grab it for just $33. Starting July 1, 2026, you can use code PREP33 to get it for half off.